Reincarnated as the Villainess’s Unlucky Bodyguard

The training grounds were larger than I'd expected, a sprawling arena of dirt, stone, and magical wards designed to keep us from dying. Or maybe to contain the carnage I wasn't sure. Seraphis stood in the center like a conqueror surveying her domain, her golden eyes gleaming with sadistic delight.

"This," she announced, gesturing grandly, "is where you'll spend the next several weeks becoming something resembling competent."

"Great," I muttered under my breath. "Can't wait."

"You'll start with basic drills," Seraphis continued, ignoring me entirely. "Physical endurance, magical control, combat tactics. By the end of today, you'll wish you were back in that cafeteria being kidnapped."

"Charming motivational speech," I quipped.

"Silence, Silverthorn," she snapped, her voice as sharp as a blade. "Unless you'd like to start with laps?"

I grimaced. "Pass."

Enara stood beside me, already looking more composed than I felt. The princess was annoyingly good at hiding her nerves.

"And you," Seraphis said, turning to her, "will need to shed your reliance on royal status. Out here, you're just another student."

"Yes, ma'am," Enara said with a polite nod.

"Brown-noser," I whispered.

Enara shot me a glare.

Before Seraphis could launch into another lecture, Ananara spoke up from his spot on a nearby stone. "If this is supposed to be intimidating, it's failing spectacularly. I've seen more terrifying displays from a fruit vendor during a sale."

"Is there a reason you brought that with you?" Seraphis asked, pointing a sharp finger at Ananara.

"He's my familiar," I said defensively.

"Then control him," she snapped. "Or I will."

Ananara chuckled darkly. "Oh, please, Principal. You couldn't handle me if you tried."

"Want to bet?" Seraphis's smile was downright predatory.

"Ananara, maybe don't antagonize the person in charge of whether or not we survive this," I said hastily.

"I'm merely providing commentary," Ananara replied, utterly unrepentant.

The system's voice echoed in my mind. [Host, your familiar's behavior is increasing the probability of additional punitive drills by 60%.]

Thanks for the heads-up, I thought sarcastically.

"Now," Seraphis said, clapping her hands together, "let's begin. Liria, Enara start with a warm-up. Five laps around the arena."

"Five laps?" I groaned.

"Would you like to make it ten?"

"Nope, five is fine," I said quickly.

Enara and I set off at a jog, though calling it a "warm-up" was generous. The arena's perimeter felt like it stretched forever, and the uneven ground didn't make it any easier.

"You're slow," Enara said, barely winded.

"I'm pacing myself," I shot back, panting.

"Pacing yourself for what? A nap?"

I glared at her. "Remind me why we're friends again?"

"Because no one else can stand you."

Ananara's voice carried across the arena. "She's not wrong, Host!"

"Do you want to get punted into the next dimension?" I yelled back.

"Focus!" Seraphis barked.

By the time we finished the laps, I was ready to collapse. Enara looked marginally better, though even she was sweating.

"Good," Seraphis said, barely glancing at us. "Now for the fun part."

"Define 'fun,'" I muttered.

She gestured, and a row of practice dummies materialized in a flash of light. "You'll be practicing your combat techniques. Liria, use your black flames. Enara, focus on your darkfire manipulation. And don't hold back."

I stared at the dummies, which looked suspiciously sturdy. "What are those made of?"

"Reinforced with magic," Seraphis said. "They can take it. You, on the other hand…"

I groaned. "Great. No pressure."

"Host," the system chimed in, "analyzing the dummies reveals they have durability ratings of 1,500 each. You will need to apply precise and sustained force to destroy them."

Fantastic, I thought. Any other helpful advice?

"Try not to embarrass yourself," the system said, its tone almost smug.

I raised my hand, summoning black flames that crackled ominously around my fingers. With a flick of my wrist, I sent a fireball hurtling toward the nearest dummy. It exploded on impact, but when the smoke cleared, the dummy was still standing.

"Seriously?" I groaned.

"Try harder," Seraphis said.

Enara, meanwhile, was faring better. Her darkfire coiled around her like a living thing, striking the dummies with precision. One by one, they crumbled under her assault.

"Show-off," I muttered.

"Maybe you should pay attention," Enara shot back.

I gritted my teeth, focusing on the flames in my hand. This time, I summoned a larger fireball, channeling more magic into it. The explosion was bigger, the impact stronger and finally, the dummy toppled over.

"Yes!" I cheered.

"Don't celebrate yet," Seraphis said. "You've got four more to go."

Ananara's voice rang out again. "At this rate, you'll finish sometime next year."

"Shut it, pineapple!"

[Host,] the system said, [emotional outbursts are counterproductive to your current objective.]

I will burn everyone here, I thought darkly.

The next few dummies went down faster as I got the hang of controlling my flames. By the time I finished, I was exhausted but triumphant. My chest heaved as I stood over the charred remains of the last dummy, hands on my knees. Victory was mine. Or so I thought.

"Good," Seraphis said, her tone as neutral as ever. "Now we move on to the next phase."

My head snapped up. "Next phase? You mean we're not done?"

Seraphis gave me a cold, predatory smile that made me want to set her hair on fire. "This was only the warm-up."

Ananara's laughter echoed from his perch on a nearby rock. "Oh, Host, you're in for it now. Perhaps this will teach you the value of humility—not that I expect miracles."

[Host, your current stamina is at 47%. Consider pacing yourself to avoid collapse.]

Thanks for the tip, Captain Obvious, I thought back.

Seraphis waved her hand, and the training ground shifted. The burnt dummies vanished, replaced by an assortment of new obstacles: spinning blades, swinging pendulums, and a pit of what looked suspiciously like lava.

"You've got to be kidding me," I muttered, staring at the deathtrap before us.

"This course is designed to test your agility and reflexes," Seraphis announced. "Complete it without dying, and I might start to believe you're not a complete waste of my time."

"Define 'dying,'" Enara said, crossing her arms.

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"Don't worry, Princess," Seraphis said with mock sweetness. "I've enchanted the course to ensure you'll survive. Mostly."

"That's reassuring," I said dryly.

[Host, the probability of sustaining injuries is currently 85%. Proceed with caution.]

Wonderful. Just what I needed.

"Who goes first?" Enara asked, her voice calm but her eyes darting over the traps.

"You both do," Seraphis said. "Together."

"Of course we do," I muttered, glaring at the spinning blades.

"Move!" Seraphis barked, and we scrambled forward like startled chickens.

The first obstacle was a narrow pathway flanked by swinging pendulums. They moved at random intervals, their razor-sharp edges gleaming in the light.

"Ladies first," I said, gesturing to Enara.

She rolled her eyes. "Coward."

"Realist," I corrected.

Enara stepped onto the path, her movements swift and deliberate. She timed her steps perfectly, weaving through the pendulums like it was a choreographed dance.

"Show-off," I muttered, stepping onto the path after her.

The first pendulum swung toward me, and I ducked just in time. The second one came faster, forcing me to leap to the side.

[Host, your reaction time is below optimal levels. Suggest increased focus to avoid decapitation.]

You don't say, I thought, narrowly avoiding another blade.

By the time I reached the other side, my heart was pounding, and my legs felt like jelly. Enara was already waiting for me, looking smug.

"Took you long enough," she said.

"Try that with black flames and a pineapple heckling you," I shot back.

Ananara's voice carried across the training ground. "If this is your best, Host, we're all doomed."

"Do you want to trade places?" I yelled.

"Unfortunately, I am far too valuable to risk," he replied.

Seraphis's voice cut through our bickering. "Enough! Keep moving."

The next obstacle was a series of platforms suspended over the pit of lava. Some of them wobbled dangerously, while others shot jets of fire at random intervals.

"Why is there always lava?" I asked no one in particular.

"Because it's effective," Seraphis said, clearly enjoying our suffering.

Enara jumped onto the first platform, her balance impeccable. She moved quickly, leaping from one platform to the next with the grace of a cat.

I followed, less gracefully. The first platform tilted as soon as I landed, and I had to windmill my arms to keep from falling into the molten abyss.

[Host, your agility stat suggests a 60% chance of success on this obstacle. Recommend strategic planning over brute force.]

What part of this looks like brute force to you? I thought, jumping to the next platform just as a jet of fire shot up beneath me.

"Liria, hurry up!" Enara called from the other side.

"I'm trying not to die, thank you very much!"

The final jump was the worst. The platform I was on wobbled violently, and the gap to the next one seemed impossibly wide.

[Host, activating Agility Boost to enhance your odds of success.]

Suddenly, my body felt lighter, my movements more precise. I launched myself into the air, landing awkwardly but safely on the other side.

"Made it," I gasped, collapsing onto the ground.

"Barely," Enara said, offering me a hand.

I ignored it, too tired to care about appearances.

Seraphis approached, her arms crossed. "Pathetic. But at least you didn't die."

"High praise," I muttered.

"Don't get comfortable," she said. "This was the easy part."

"What's next?" Enara asked, her tone more curious than concerned.

"Combat drills," Seraphis said with a wicked grin. "And this time, I'll be your opponent."

Ananara's laughter echoed once more. "Oh, this should be good."

[Host, prepare yourself,] the system said. [Your odds of survival just dropped to 40%.]

Why do I even bother? I thought, dragging myself to my feet.

As Seraphis summoned her weapon, a wicked-looking spear crackling with energy, I couldn't help but wonder if this training was really about improvement or just her idea of fun.